‘Learned just now that coworkers are not your friends’: Veteran 8-year employee summoned to an after-Christmas meeting after venting about manager to a “trusted” coworker, who immediately told everyone

The thing that makes me love reading and writing about these stories is how I can almost always find some underlying philosophical concepts hidden in or behind them. Which is probably the thing I do the most, like, in honestly, it's a thing I can't stop doing, and I don't blame people in my life who have had enough of it or think it's annoying. I just love how, when an idea or concept written anytime between decades to millennials ago, if it's good and smart, it just stays relevant

And in this story, like most, there are a bunch of those in it. I'm only going to focus on one. But I'll get to that later in this post. 

What I'd like to begin with is a genuine, warm congratulations to our guy, who, by some magical power, was able to avoid this pretty well-known truth about the nature of most people. I know that sounds cynical, but I'm actually being sincere. If anything, the fact that it took this man 8 years, 8 years of being in a pure, naive state of life, where work is a place you don't have to look over your shoulder in, is beautiful.

The problem is, and this is something we've all experienced at some point in our lives, it's better to rip the band-aid quickly, and the earlier the better.

Author image for Etai Eshet Etai Eshet
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  • I've been working at the same company for 8 years and learned just now that coworkers are not your friends…

    A man in a red T-shirt sits alone at a café table, holding a phone to his ear with a serious, distracted expression, a half-finished drink in front of him and empty chairs around him, conveying a tense, reflective moment after a work-related call.
    via ANDREI_SITURN

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • 8 years at one company teaches a lot about deadlines and office politics, but apparently not enough about human nature. This long timer learned that the phrase coworkers are not your friends is not cynicism, it is policy. After years of post-work drinks and casual venting, one poorly timed confession about the manager’s incompetence turned into a full-scale game of telephone. The comments traveled fast, and by the time the manager returned from vacation, the gossip cycle had done its damage. What began as a friendly conversation at a bar ended as an HR problem waiting for the calendar to turn. 

  • Hey! Yeah, I've heard this before, but I thought it's bunch of crap that coworkers are not your friends and did I learn this the hard way.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • I criticised my manager to my coworker whom I thought of as my friend and I thought I could trust them, because we're friends and were hanging out even after work etc, but um... It turns out he told everything to my manager and it also turned out they're all talking about me behind my back and not positive things.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • I found out about it when my manager confronted me about all of those things he has heard about me and when he confronted me I stayed quiet and spoke to him as little as I could.
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • But the part that really stings in our guy’s story is that the betrayal did not come from workplace enemies, but from the same people who once shared fries and frustration after hours. The coworker who seemed like a friend decided that corporate loyalty looked better than solidarity. The same people who nodded along during complaints suddenly acted like neutral spectators, pretending surprise when the manager confronted their colleague. Office friendships often feel real until authority enters the room, and then everyone remembers which side of the paycheck counts.  

  • In a week we'll have a conversation about it, but nothing was specified. The only reason why we're not having this conversation tomorrow or the next week is that he's on a vacation, but um yeah... He said he wants to talk to me after Christmas and I have no idea what to expect.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • Anyway, yeah, it was my fault for opening my mouth and telling him what I thought about him to my coworker + criticising the current structure of the company in front of all of my coworkers and saying that it used to be a lot better and that the manager isn't good at his job and everything's going downhill at a bar in front of my other coworkers etc.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • A man in a red T-shirt sits at a café table, holding a smartphone to his ear while looking upward with a tense, contemplative expression. A glass with ice and a straw rests in front of him
    via ANDREI_SITURN

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • What happens next will probably be framed as a learning experience, the kind that arrives right before Christmas with an uncomfortable meeting invite. But the real lesson already landed. Coworkers often play the role of friends until the second friendship costs them something. What feels like betrayal is usually just business reminding everyone why friendship clauses never make it into contracts.

  • I don't really know what to expect, since I've never had such issues and thought that everybody's trustworthy etc and that we're all "friends".
    via imnotabulgarian
  • I feel kinda awkward. Does anyone have any similar experiences? What should I expect in a week?
    via imnotabulgarian

  • Let me circle back to some of the philosophy lurking behind the situation in the story: Stoicism would treat this entire mess as proof that control stops at the edge of one’s own judgment. The gossip, the betrayal, the awkward meeting after Christmas. None of it belongs within the circle of control. What matters is the response, not the insult. 

    A Stoic at that bar might have paused before venting, weighing whether words serve virtue or vanity. And after the fallout, that same Stoic would remind themselves that the world does not owe consistency, only opportunity for composure. The lesson, reframed, is not that coworkers are unreliable, but that peace depends on mastering reaction, not reputation.

  • FRELNCER >I've been working at the same company for 8 years and learned just now that coworkers are not your friends... Achievement unlocked? Expecting anything from active sabotage to passive-aggressive silence. (Silence isn't so bad.)
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • OP imnotabulgarian So it's time to start looking for a new job?
    via imnotabulgarian
  • Lost_Plenty _7979 Agree you should look for a new job as, overall, you're not happy with this situation. But in the meantime, you could apologize and acknowledge that it wasn't appropriate to vent to a co-worker and say you've been struggling with two (fixable) things that have changed since the acquisition. You could also say 1-2 things you like about the job (don't over do it, be honest) and that you hope you can open the lines of communication and build trust. Sometimes these moments can beco
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian Thank you so much! I'll let you know how it went.
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • Individual-Yellow-54 Talking crap about people in general is the most taboo thing you can do. People are so crappy. I think very little of humanity but instill trust from the heart. Never speak ill will toward work friends even if they do so.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian Thanks
    via imnotabulgarian
  • yakbloodyurt That sounds like enough...
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • OP imnotabulgarian To get fired? Or ...what should I expect?
    via imnotabulgarian
  • orcateeth There are safe spaces to discuss or complain about work. These are friends, family, therapists, support group members, anonymous forums, etc. A coworker can feel like a friend, but they obviously can have a hidden agenda.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian Yeah, I learned this the hard way that I can't trust my coworkers. I've decided I won't talk about work with my coworkers, unless I'm at work, but not after work at the bar or anywhere else.
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • lilacteardrop They aren't your friends. Never delude yourself into thinking that they are. Betrayal is real. Been there. Be careful what you send in an email or text because you never know who it'll get forwarded to. Learned that the hard way.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian I've heard such stories, but I never believed those or that it's that bad, but I guess I get to experience that the first hand now. I learned that coworkers are just coworkers, no matter how friendly and trustworthy they seem to be.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • Traditional-River377 Frankly I would expect termination and thinking you could trust your coworkers was a potentially fatal flaw. Did your other coworkers ever talk negatively about the manager? Whether you're given a reprieve from the manager or let go, learn from this experience. If you have a problem with the manager then talk to them directly, at least he'll know first hand while your coworkers will embellish what you've said and make you look worse.
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • OP imnotabulgarian The ones that did talk negatively about my manager left and told me to leave as well. I agree with you. It's just stressing me out, because I have to wait for two weeks to see how it'll go.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • Traditional-River377 Then other than timing it is a potentially good thing for you and you know not to use current employees as references even if they offer.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian Not using them as a reference is another great tip. I would've probably taken them up on their offer if they'd offer it.
    via imnotabulgarian
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  • malicious_joy42 Depends on what you said and what he was told. You've broken his trust, most likely forever. It could range from a simple conversation, a transfer, a write up, or even termination (if you're an at-will employee in the US). Hard to say. You don't give any information on what was actually said.
    via imnotabulgarian
  • OP imnotabulgarian Well, one of the things he pointed out was him hearing from elsewhere that I don't like him and that he's not a good manager. And the other things was me saying that the company is going downhill and it used to be better. I don't know what else he has heard.
    via imnotabulgarian

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